I’m Unstoppable. 

At the end of August, many of you that read the blog knew I was done. Not just I, but we were done with this whole infertility shitshow. 

  • I was drained.
  • Always on edge. 
  • Tired of the disappointment. 
  • Annoyed.
  • Didn’t feel like myself. 

As a “Type A” personality, I struggle immensely with things when they don’t go my way. I know what sounds asinine, but this is me:

“…Type A individuals as ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving “workaholics.” They push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.” This was taken from Wikipedia. 

I’ve been planning Thanksgiving dinner since August. Our Christmas party has been planned since the middle of September. I make meal plan charts for dinner each week. I have seven calendars: the one on my phone, a blotter at work, a “fun” one at work, my outlook calendar, the dry erase calendar at home, my planner (yes, I know I’m probably one of the only people left using one,) and my gmail calendar. You now may have a better glimpse of why when things don’t go as planned for me, I struggle. Take my Type A add in infertility treatments, and we are bound for nuclear type explosions. 

We (I,) needed a month off to get “in control.” Really, I needed a period of time to readjust, focus, and be completely removed from the yo-yo of what had become daily life. 

This past Thursday marks the start of our first IVF (whattttttttt?!?) cycle. Tonight was the fourth night of my Gonal-F injections, dosage level is at 225. Puffy, tired, but otherwise feeling good. Tomorrow is my first UltraBlood combination. Wonder what kind of damage will be done to my veins this time around; more to come on that. 

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24 Hour Rewind

Monday morning: UltraBlood combo. Ultrasound tech asks, “so your doctor thinks you’ve ovulated already?” Me: “no.” …defeating silence throughout the rest of the ultrasound…
Monday afternoon: the nurse calls. “You’ve ovulated, so we missed this cycle. You’ll need to come in on 9/12 for a blood test to see if you’re pregnant. We will also schedule a follow up with the doctor to determine next course and next treatment cycle.” *Trust me when I say with 1,000% certainty the test will be a BFN.
Monday night: I am done. This was previously determined on Sunday night, but had been communicated Saturday and Sunday. By done, I mean I am permanently exiting the infertility roller coaster and running out of the park. 
A lot has happened Friday-Sunday, which I do not even have the heart to blog about. Unfortunately, because of those events, they’ve factored in heavily to this decision. 

Measurements 

15.75mm

14.5mm

13mm

And a few others measuring at 12mm. Shooting up again tonight with my trusty 112.5units of Gonal F. 

All of my anxiety ridden thoughts about growth and potential pre-calculated measurements were wrong. Woohoo! Despite having a wonderful pineapple coconut icecream earlier this evening, my ovaries are still angry. LOTS of uncomfortable twinges accompanied by a very heavy feeling. 
Tomorrow, off to my doctors second office location for another UltraBlood combination at 6:30am…no big deal, it’s only an hour away! On a side note, the phlebotomist today at my 7:30am UltraBlood combo was EASILY able to get a vein in my left arm: 

11

Tonight is the 11th night of my injections. I’ve never had any pain when I’ve given them to myself, but tonight it hurt. To the point where I said out loud “ooooouch!” It also bled afterwards for a few minutes, which has never happened. First time for everything, so why not bang out two things at once. 

Tomorrow morning I’ll be up at 6am, who doesn’t love that on a Sunday morning to head to my doctors other office which sees patients on the weekend. It’ll be another ultrasound (4th in 7 days,) and more bloodwork (4th draw in 7 days.) I am trying to remain neutral because optimism isn’t ever my friend. 
Tomorrow will be cycle day 14. If my follicles were under 12mm (they were right on the 12mm cusp as of Friday,)  they should be growing between 1-2mm per day. Which means I should have follicles somewhere between 14-16mm. 14 would be if they grew 1mm per day, Friday and Saturday; and 16 would be if they grew 2mm from Friday onwards. From my previous rounds, I know that my follicles have not, at any point, ever grown 2mm/day. They’ve usually grown between 0.5mm and 1mm per day. Should the prior cycles be any indication, I’m guessing they will be between 13-14mm. Grow you suckers, grow…PLEASE grow! 

For a little bit of humor…does anyone need some condiments? We have barbecue sauce, Ovidrel, a Thai pineapple marinade, blue cheese dressing, Gonal F, and soy sauce. 

8.26 Pt. 2

I got my phone call from my doctors office yesterday (Friday, 8.26) at 2:10. Here’s how the conversation played out in my head: “you have a handful of mature follicles measuring between 18-20…do your HCG shot tonight…we will see you Sunday morning for your IUI. Things are looking very good.”
Here’s how the phone call really went: “you still have no mature follicles…you are going to do another Gonal F injection of 112.5 tonight and Saturday night…you have an appointment Sunday morning at 7:30am for another ultrasound and bloodwork…have relations both Friday and Saturday night in case we miss your ovulation.”

Here’s what I asked: “can you tell me what size the follicles measuring? As of Sunday I will only have 112.5 left of the Gonal F, will I need more?” 

Here are the responses: “they aren’t measuring at 12mm yet, we don’t record measurements when they’re smaller than 12…you should have enough, we ordered you 1,350units total (she must have done the math,) and then said, ‘oh, yes…you’ll need more. We have a sample pen at the office you can come pick up.'”

And…of course, here are my thoughts: “I hate this. Will anything go right? I don’t want to do anymore injections. Why aren’t my follicles growing? More damn bloodwork. Why isn’t my Gonal F dosage increasing? Another damn ultrasound. How can someone else think they might MISS my ovulation? This time I’ll get to drive over an hour one way for an appointment that will take less than 10 minutes. Nothing like scheduled sex. Why can’t I get pregnant?”

8.26. Part 1

Other than the burgundy leather chairs with the nailhead detail, the doctors office looks like every other medical office I’ve ever been to, with the exception of my prior doctor. Early mornings, like today at 6am; and pretty much every other day, for roughly a week and a half are spent laying next to this beauty:

Hopefully you weren’t expecting something glamorous. This machine looks like a relic compared to the one at my previous doctors. Once the ultrasound was done, it was time to wait for the lab to open. They, according to their schedule, don’t open until 7am. So I had an hour to kill. As I was sitting there debating a trip to Starbucks, shoes started squeaking down the hallway. (Think the Dansko clogs.) The lab tech was here, at 6:10am! HOORAY for tiny miracles. 
I get into the chair, roll up my sleeves, and am ready. Today she decides she was going to try my left arm, although “the vein doesn’t feel great but think good thoughts.” Her words folks. Ones that shouldn’t be uttered prior to sticking a needle into my arm. She gets the needle in only to not be able to find the vein. She literally fished around for it while asking, “I’m not hurting you too much am I?” Shockingly, no she wasn’t, I couldn’t really feel anything! We eventually switched to the right arm. Same draw location as Monday. Holy mother of God did that hurt!!!! By far, the WORST experience ever having blood drawn. 
Top is the left arm and the bottom is the right arm.

Now I sit patiently and wait until somewhere between 3:10 and 3:25 for the next steps. 

9 In No Time

Just finished my 9th Gonal F injection for this cycle. It’s hard to believe it’s been nine straight days of injections. It will be an early Friday morning for me as it’s the 3rd UltraBlood combination appointment…at 6am 😳

Overall I’m not thrilled with how I was feeling yesterday and my blog post. No regrets, but these are the highs and lows of this journey. This week I seem to be cruising steady in the “low lane.” Hopefully tomorrow will bring a lane change, along with some mature follicles; it will also be CD12. 

My nerves and anxiety are partially due to previous experiences with another doctor around this time frame in my cycle. There were two mistimed cycles where my ovulation was “missed,” and everything leading up to that point in time, was going well. Follicles were steadily growing, lining was looking “lush,” and poof: we’ve missed it. So I’m hyper aware of what cycle day I am, and when things should be happening. Fingers crossed for tomorrow! 

Deflated 


Sums up how I feel about today. This post won’t be inspiring, positive, or uplifting. Please feel free to closer your browser at anytime. 

Had another UltraBlood combination this morning. Good takeaway, I was able to get blood done prior to my ultrasound as there was no wait and my doctors office hadn’t opened yet. Bad takeaway, it was a different ultrasound tech. Not that it was bad, but I feel like I should start charging a viewing fee for the office staff. At least I could recoup some money. 

Clockwise from upper left hand picture: Bandage from bloodwork this morning; updated injection tracker, which I also have in an Excel format but keep a hand written copy too; my daily update sheet; and my needle marks from my bloodwork. 
The call this afternoon from the doctors office went like this: “you have no mature follicles but your hormone levels are starting to rise which is a good thing. Same injection dose tonight and Thursday evening, and then 6am ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday.” My immediate reaction: “fuckkkkkkk.” 
Today, I’m over it. I’m annoyed. I’m aggravated. I’m deflated. Injections were fun and exciting (not really, but I made myself believe it,) and now I hate them. I want mature follicles. I’m sick of having blood drawn. Having an appointment at 6am on a Friday is NOT my ideal way to start the day. I’m tired. I want a baby.
…because of those four little words…I do not have a damn choice in the matter. I’ll keep stabbing myself with injections and having blood sucked out every other day. I’ll keep smiling when others announce they’re expecting and go home and cry because it’s just too much for me to handle. The whole state will probably examine me or get to do a transvaginal ultrasound on me before I ever end up pregnant. I’ll go on some prolific tirade when I read about some woman who has abused or abandoned her child, of course it’ll be her 4th or 5th. My weight will continue to be like a seesaw as medications are altered and the different side effects take their toll. The proverbial chess match of “us vs. infertility”will wage on, and we will constantly be chased around in fear. And…what if we never have a child? What does this “journey” get called if it fails, a tortuous experiment? Life shattering misery? Sheer hell? I can predict that there are no positive outcomes from going through this, and not having a child at the end. 

For those of you that have been going through years of treatments, I bow down to you. Truly, I’m impressed with your strength and determination. I can’t do this for years. Better yet, I won’t. When I say I would go off the deep end, that is a statement made with 175% positivity. I’m not even a year into treatments and I want to be done. Horrible, but this is where I am today. 
Life with infertility has knocked me flat on my ass today. 

Aerial Perspective


So there’s that perspective: the aerial view. Tonight, again, my injection was at 112.5. Tomorrow I go again for another UltraBlood combination! 

So now for side effects, I have none…except for one!!! Ha. Yesterday and today there were fleeting…twinges? Flutters? Twists? Contractions? (Oh goodness, bad word choice.) These aren’t cramps, not at all; I know what those are and what those feel like! In all seriousness though, I could feel THINGS. Things that were MOVING. It was weird. It is bizarre. We can chalk this up as some follicular growth! 

UltraBlood

I’ve deemed ultrasound and blood work days: “UltraBlood” days. You’ve heard it here first. 

Again, I can’t praise my doctor and her entire office staff enough. (Yes, today is even a Monday and I’m in a good mood.) The ultrasound tech this morning was SO sweet, she introduced herself, was calm and thoroughly explained everything. She did the ultrasound, “click click…whoosh whoosh…click click…whoosh whoosh…click click…whoosh whoosh.” (The clicks were the machine and the whoosh were the images being printed.) I’ve now had ultrasound pictures printed!!! Even though I don’t have them, there’s a first for everything, despite the images being of my follicles. Oh well. 

I was done, and then I was off to the lab. 
Blood got sucked out, during which time I was told my veins were the tech’s “problem child” of the day, and how it’s really frustrating for her to have to have all the lab work from my doctors office done by 8:30am. As she was talking about how “rough” her day is, all I could think was “less talk and more work.” Here’s the mug shot of my arm once I got back to work. 

Later this afternoon I got the call about the ultrasound and the blood work. I am to do the same dose of the Gonal-F tonight, and Tuesday evening. I’m uncertain, but I am taking this to be good news; if the dosage had to be scaled back, it would have meant things were progressing too quickly. On the flip side, if the dosage was increased, it would mean things aren’t moving quickly enough. I should have asked the nurse, but I was so focused on writing down the correct information I didn’t think to. Right?!? Anyone want to confirm or deny my thoughts?!? 

I go back on Wednesday at 7:10am for an UltraBlood combination. 

Sooooooo day 6 of 112.5 here we go! 💉