It’s Been a While

About 3.5 months to be exact. 

Here’s what’s happened…

  • IVF cycle 1 BOMBED 💣
  • My grandmother passed away 1.5 weeks after we got the above results. ** I remember being at my doctors office discussing next steps and thinking “we need to leave. I have to go home, shower, and get dressed for the wake.” My doctor kept saying how surprised she was that things went so badly, that maybe the medications were too aggressive, and that we should take off the time during the holidays because they’re already stressful enough. I had already made up my mind (and was truly prepared,) that we were starting again in December, so when she said this, I froze. I said “no. I’d like to start next month.” Just like out of a tv show, she said “that would be against my medical opinion. You have enough going on.” I bit my tongue SO hard, but I could still spew thousands of angry sentences. Like…”I paid you $13,000.00 and you couldn’t get your job done, so I’ll tell you when you get another shot.” **sidenote- someone had the audacity to say that “now that your grandmother has passed she’ll take care of things up there and you’ll get pregnant right away.” WHY DO PEOPLE SPEAK? 
  • Had follow up ultrasound at the hospital to get the cyst checked out, and there was nothing. Minuscule happiness. I had the pleasure of having a doctor (not mine,) review the ultrasound with me. She was kind enough to point out that my doctor certainly didn’t know what she was doing, we should have had better results, that a cyst in an IVF cycle does not go undetected, and she’d be happy to take me as a patient. Her nurse also shared that I should definitely consider changing doctors, as the doctor who just spoke with me “is really great at getting women of your age pregnant.” I’m 32…Shoot me. 
  • I hate this blog. So many of you have announced your pregnancies over the past few months & I’ve broken each time. Crazy because although I know your experiences, I don’t know you or see you on a daily basis…I’m happy for all of you, but if you’re reading this, you know what I’m feeling. 
  • Coworker had her baby end of December. Thought the excitement at work regarding babies was done…
  • Picked up supplemental insurance that was effective 2/1/2017. Period started 3 days early in January, and the next round of IVF because of that would have started 1/31/2017. We missed it by ONE DAY. 
  • Two coworkers announced their pregnancies, and they’re roughly 2 weeks apart. Announcements were made about two weeks apart as well. One word to summarize those weeks: Delightfullllll! 
  • Had previously emailed all of the new insurance information to the financial coordinator/insurance guru at my doctors office so that she could get everything all set to start in March. She never responded to anything I sent her, which I didn’t really think twice about. I called the office to let them know it was “day 1 ” in February, “ok, great we will be in touch.” I followed up a week later via email, anddddd got great news. (If you think that’s the case, you haven’t picked up on the black cloud that has me pinned to the ground.) I have to go back for day 3 labs and DH has to give a semen analysis, as our tests from 2016 have “expired” as of February and the new insurance won’t cover anything until they have those updated. Now if the woman at the office had done HER job, this all could have been done in February, but God forbid. 

Basically what it comes down to, is that I’m in the extremely angry stage of this infertility nightmare. And, that is exactly what it is…a fricken hellacious nightmare that I can’t wake up from. 

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Let’s Break (It) Down

  • I did my trigger shot Tuesday evening on 11/1.
  • Thursday, on 11/3 was my egg retrieval.
  • Roughly 36 hours after the retrieval, Friday, 11/4, I got the call at work from my doctor. 

Now I’m going to break it all down. 

Thursday morning we arrived for my egg retrieval. Despite being completely nervous about the anesthesia I was feeling alright. We were taken back into the surgical area where they had me change, and informed me about the anesthesia. Top picture is of my IV of saline. Interestingly enough or, if you’ve been following my blog, this won’t surprise you: they had an extremely difficult time finding a vein they could work with. 

 

Below was my view,  prior to the retrieval. It was ominous. I watched the woman before me who was also having a retrieval walk in. I also saw her on the recovery side. 

The one thing I don’t understand? No makeup, no nailpolish, no hair scrungies (as they called them) are allowed. But yet I walked in that day IN these socks…had the procedure with them on…and left with the socks never being removed. Logic? None as far as I’m concerned. And that, is my lovely hair net thing. Yuck. 

 

The doctor then came over to introduce himself. (I knew it wouldn’t be my doctor performing the procedure, which I was perfectly fine with. We were informed of all of these factors at our initial consultation.) Until he spoke to us, time truly felt as though it was standing still. He was calm. Soft spoken. Shook our hands. Started talking about what he was hoping would happen,”I should be able to get 4-6 eggs today. So well hope for the 6. I’ll see you back there.” 
…I broke…
Sunday I was told there were 8 follicles. HOW WAS HE ONLY PLANNING ON 4-6?! I looked at DH and in a completely unflustered voice said, “this isn’t going to work. This is a loss. I can tell this isn’t going to work.” Tears slowly started welling in my eyes. Immediately I chastised myself about crying, took a deep breath, and was overcome with coldness. 
Rigidly sitting there in my chair, my fingers kept frantically edging their way around the hair cap or whatever it is called. Less than 20minutes later, the nurse came over. I was up. I’ll spare the details of walking in, the conversations once in the OR, and my other memories. Fast forward, well I don’t know how long exactly…and I’m in recovery. 
I felt good. Surprisingly good to be quite truthful. The nurse checked to see if there was any bleeding, none; and then asked if I wanted something to eat and drink. My choice was that of a five year old, animal crackers and apple juice. Listen, we were stopping at Starbucks afterwards, so I wasn’t going to fill up on crappy coffee or a bad pastry. As I was sitting there, I could overhear the nurse telling prior egg retrieval patient how well her procedure went, and the medication outline for the next few days. She then popped into my curtained area and asked if I wanted her to get DH. Yes, obviously. Minutes later he was sitting beside me asking how I felt. 

She seemed to reappear shortly thereafter, and indicated that the doctor was going to come over to speak to us. I looked at DH and said, “this is bad. This is very bad. Something is wrong.” From the split second she uttered those words, it was like I was having an out of body experience. The soft spoken and calm doctor was back. “How are you feeling?” he asked. “Ok.” I responded. “I’m afraid things didn’t go as we were planning.” Cue my usual direct and questioning attitude floating away. With that my fiery temper also seemed to instantly disappear. “Unfortunately, we were only able to get one egg. I was planning on 4-6 but it just didn’t happen. I’m so sorry. Also, one of the follicles that was measuring on the left, was not a follicle, it’s a cyst. I don’t know who was doing your ultrasounds or what your doctor was looking at, but this definitely shouldn’t have gone undetected. You need to follow up with your doctor about that. Again, I’m so sorry that things didn’t go the way you or I was planning.”
I really want to say the world stopped spinning, but it didn’t; it fell out from underneath me. I was white hot with unparalleled rage. HOW was there only one? WHAT were they counting? WHO told me there were 8? HOW was this cyst missed? HIS coworker is my doctor, and he was surprised she missed this? WHAT the actual fuck? WHO do I trust, him or my doctor? And my last thought, “I knew from the beginning this wouldn’t work.” This time no tears formed. I was borderline psychotic and completely paralyzed with shock, and immediately launched myself into the statistics. After a few minutes of mental calculations, I knew this round was over. I wouldn’t need the follow up call the next day, there was truly no need for it to take place as there wouldn’t be any good news. We finally we able to leave. I got in the truck, tried to fall asleep, and immediately started sobbing. Here’s a visual for you, I looked like a St. Bernard covered in slobber. I called my mom. I called my MIL, and texted those that knew what was going on. Everyone said the same thing “it only takes one.” After a few explanations that we were already at a negative starting point, all I wanted to do was sleep and forget this entire experience. Upon arriving home I did sleep after watching two hours of TV. Physically I felt alright, just a heaviness like pre-period cramps, but was exhausted. 
Well…that one didn’t take per the phone call Friday afternoon with my doctor. So for the sake of my sanity, please never say that to me again. Was I surprised absolutely not. Did I cry? Nope. Did I want to punch a wall? Certainly. The call sucked, the rest of my day sucked, and that entire weekend sucked. I don’t think I cried anymore after Friday evening and talking with DH. 
Until Saturday, 11/12 when I sat down to write this blog. I completely crumbled into a billion little pieces. I’ll get into that another time. 

Here’s really what I’d like to say…

A massive fuck you to my first doctor. The doctor that told me in the beginning of 2016 that we had a 95% chance of being pregnant by the end of the year. Thank you for etching that into my brain. Thank you for constantly making me feel like a failure and a huge disappointment to myself, my husband, and my family. You have demolished every ounce of faint hope that I ever possessed in this year. I was convinced after leaving your office that day I’d be pregnant for my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Those were milestones I anticipated despite knowing there was a chance it wouldn’t happen. Well, now those times start a week from today, and I blame you for my misery, sadness, and the facade of happiness I have to display. FUCK YOU for making bold and brash statements that I allowed my sanity to cling to, and now I sit here with barely a shred left. 

24 Hour Rewind

Monday morning: UltraBlood combo. Ultrasound tech asks, “so your doctor thinks you’ve ovulated already?” Me: “no.” …defeating silence throughout the rest of the ultrasound…
Monday afternoon: the nurse calls. “You’ve ovulated, so we missed this cycle. You’ll need to come in on 9/12 for a blood test to see if you’re pregnant. We will also schedule a follow up with the doctor to determine next course and next treatment cycle.” *Trust me when I say with 1,000% certainty the test will be a BFN.
Monday night: I am done. This was previously determined on Sunday night, but had been communicated Saturday and Sunday. By done, I mean I am permanently exiting the infertility roller coaster and running out of the park. 
A lot has happened Friday-Sunday, which I do not even have the heart to blog about. Unfortunately, because of those events, they’ve factored in heavily to this decision. 

Deflated 


Sums up how I feel about today. This post won’t be inspiring, positive, or uplifting. Please feel free to closer your browser at anytime. 

Had another UltraBlood combination this morning. Good takeaway, I was able to get blood done prior to my ultrasound as there was no wait and my doctors office hadn’t opened yet. Bad takeaway, it was a different ultrasound tech. Not that it was bad, but I feel like I should start charging a viewing fee for the office staff. At least I could recoup some money. 

Clockwise from upper left hand picture: Bandage from bloodwork this morning; updated injection tracker, which I also have in an Excel format but keep a hand written copy too; my daily update sheet; and my needle marks from my bloodwork. 
The call this afternoon from the doctors office went like this: “you have no mature follicles but your hormone levels are starting to rise which is a good thing. Same injection dose tonight and Thursday evening, and then 6am ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday.” My immediate reaction: “fuckkkkkkk.” 
Today, I’m over it. I’m annoyed. I’m aggravated. I’m deflated. Injections were fun and exciting (not really, but I made myself believe it,) and now I hate them. I want mature follicles. I’m sick of having blood drawn. Having an appointment at 6am on a Friday is NOT my ideal way to start the day. I’m tired. I want a baby.
…because of those four little words…I do not have a damn choice in the matter. I’ll keep stabbing myself with injections and having blood sucked out every other day. I’ll keep smiling when others announce they’re expecting and go home and cry because it’s just too much for me to handle. The whole state will probably examine me or get to do a transvaginal ultrasound on me before I ever end up pregnant. I’ll go on some prolific tirade when I read about some woman who has abused or abandoned her child, of course it’ll be her 4th or 5th. My weight will continue to be like a seesaw as medications are altered and the different side effects take their toll. The proverbial chess match of “us vs. infertility”will wage on, and we will constantly be chased around in fear. And…what if we never have a child? What does this “journey” get called if it fails, a tortuous experiment? Life shattering misery? Sheer hell? I can predict that there are no positive outcomes from going through this, and not having a child at the end. 

For those of you that have been going through years of treatments, I bow down to you. Truly, I’m impressed with your strength and determination. I can’t do this for years. Better yet, I won’t. When I say I would go off the deep end, that is a statement made with 175% positivity. I’m not even a year into treatments and I want to be done. Horrible, but this is where I am today. 
Life with infertility has knocked me flat on my ass today. 

Humph. 

That’s not a word. It’s the noise I make in my head after a long day, a frustrating day, or on one of those days where I just don’t want to say much of anything…or when I’m full of ramblings. 

Lucky you, today is one of those days. 

I will ramble because yesterday was hard. Mentally, I would say that it was  almost crushing. There was a baby shower yesterday that I didn’t go to, but was firmly cemented in my mind, and it was Children’s Day. Thank you, Facebook for that fun fact, it’s one that I absolutely could have lived with out. There are some days where things go unbelievably well, and I have a wonderful day, like Saturday; which is followed by a day where I wish I could just scream all day long. Pause for a good sob session, and then start screaming again. 


YES…we want to have a baby.
YES…we are trying to have a baby.

YES…we want a family, preferably of 4, but 3 is proving to be challenging enough. 
Given that we’ve literally done nothing this month, because of incorrect timing, I feel like a sitting duck. We just wait, and wait, and wait for my period to come and then the roller coaster starts again. I never would have anticipated feeling helpless even when there’s nothing I am supposed to be doing. Truly, where’s the rationale there? 
Yes, I loved my spontaneous day away Saturday with my mom, and I know that when we have a child, I won’t always be able to pick up and take off for the day. I do know, that when we have a child, I will go out of my way to plan those days with my mom so that we can bring the baby/child along with us. Most people will think that I’m crazy, but I want my child to spend time with us, seeing what we love to do, and being part of those special days. 

There is no certainty in any of this. There don’t seem to be any answers. There is not a definitive amount of time that we will have to endure the medical treatments.

 It’s all a big fat “what if” followed by “When?” 


All I want is certainty. I want an absolute. I do not ever want to sit down and participate in that conversation in the above image. I want a yes or no answer to my question, “will I have a child?” Because if the answer is no, I’d rather figure out a way to start wrapping my head around that now, and not prolonging the inevitable crushing disappointment. Should the answer be a definitive yes, I will keep fastening that safety belt across my lap, and pulling the overhead harness down to ride that roller coaster. 

Raise A Glass

Or in my case, the bottle of wine I’m drinking this evening. Tonight’s lucky winner? Not my uterus! But a bottle of Oyster Bay Sauvignon Blanc. With a Bendy straw. 


After the week I’ve had, with the optimism that was provided on both Tuesday and Wednesday, to only come crashing down around me on Thursday morning I figure, there’s no time like the present to indulge in some Vino. As well as french fries and a barbecue chicken pizza. Yes, there’s the slightest chance in hell that I might be pregnant from intercourse; however let’s review our record for pregnancies. Then again, if we were reviewing our pregnancies you wouldn’t be sitting here reading this blog. 

However on a night like tonight where I’m basically ready to crumble… Scratch that. OK. …truth be told, I already did. At my brothers place…it was uncomfortable, not the breaking down proponent, but putting it on him. God bless him: he’s patient, empathetic, and can truly understand how emotionally taxing this is on me.

So getting back to my point…tonight, this is what I’m thankful for…

  1. My husband. 
  2. My amazing group of coworkers that are coming over tomorrow night for girls night. *We’re kind of an exclusively assembled club…and we don’t necessarily play well with others! 
  3. My family, that allows me to go ballistic and then let’s me cry, and still wants to have Sunday dinner at our place. 
  4. And tonight…The wine!!! 

Reality Sucker Punch

This will be short and sour. With a side of bitter. 

My ultrasound this morning showed that my follicles have shrunk. I knew something was wrong before anything was said. The ultrasound took three times as long as it had. Then there was a lot of “pull that one, go to the next one, show me yesterday’s,” and a face that went from the Cheshire Cat monstrous grin to Peofessor Snape’s ever present frown. Did I mention that the new medical student that was observing is at least 5 months pregnant? That was a ______ site to see. You know me and my attitude well enough to fill in that blank accordingly. 

They are SMALLER today then they were yesterday. Which means, I’ve already ovulated, and it literally happened within the last 24 hours from my 6:45am ultrasound yesterday. I’m informed that I am to go for bloodwork immediately, and that the labs would be rushed. I’m also informed that depending on the lab results, DH and I are on standby for a potential IUI…today. This potential IUI would have been dependent upon the bloodwork. 

Everything this entire cycle was basically miscalculated, and my cycle is “not normal” according to my doctor, and my body “isn’t really responding the way it should be.” If I’m too far into ovulating, “this round is a bust,” a direct quote from my doctor who seemed stupefied that the two follicles were smaller. Funny how quickly his damn tune changed from Tuesday and Wednesday. Meanwhile I sit there on the table repeating my new mantra, “do not cry. Do not cry here. No crying. No crying in the office.” So I sat there with a tight smile and curtly said “ok” and “alright” to every statement that was made. 


Has anyone ever pulled a nutty in the doctors office? I was maybe a second or two away from sobbing hysterically or screaming at him. Round two was a waste. A literal take your money and light a match to it waste. I took pills for no reason, had three ultrasounds for no reason, dropped $100 on an injection I now wont and can’t even use, and went POSTAL on people all day today. I begrudgingly went for the bloodwork. Cry the entire time I am driving to the lab. Compose myself to get pricked and drained all prior to 7:50am. Cry the entire drive to my office.  Muddled my way through the day and my work. Currently, it’s 6:28pm and my doctor still doesn’t have my results. So much for that “rush” and the urgency to get me to a lab this morning. Great to know that this isn’t life or death situation. 

Before I left his office to get my blood sucked, he was kind enough to let me know that next month when we are “back at it again,” everything will be changed. The medicine, the dosage, the timing of my ultrasounds, and I will be going for blood draws basically every other day. Also that once changes are made “it’s really a learning curve to see how you’ll respond, and it’s typically not successful the first time we change it up.” Well that’s an overwhelming amount of reassurance provided by the specialist in this field. Seriously buddy, just do not speak. Keep your mouth shut. Silence is golden, but someone missed that memo. 


If I wanted someone to tell me “you’ll fail at this too,” I easily could have delivered the speech to myself. It’s only been years that I’ve had to perfect it, and it would have been much more eloquent than what you delivered. Between the lines that were spewed  Tuesday and Wednesday and these beauties from this morning, I’m really starting to question everything. 
You know when you just have a feeling, and it’s one you’d go to Vegas and bet your life savings on? (This is coming from someone who doesn’t even gamble.) Here’s that feeling which I’m betting is my reality: I will never have or carry my own child. 
Boils down to this: infertility 2, us 0.

Hopeless

The title sums up this weekend and how I’m feeling. I present the less than glamorous side of infertility. Struggling. Putting on a happy face and going through the motions because…well, that’s what one does in this nightmare. 


Yesterday took the OPK, and it was negative. That was miserable to process. I mean I had figured that at least this (ovulate) I can do! Not only do, but can succeed at! Dumbest thought ever. Per my doctors instructions, I had to take another OPK this morning. Fine, no big deal…until I was instantly able to tell that this stick was showing a negative result. So, we are into our second month and were hoping to do the same thing as last month (Clomid, HCG, and IUI) but now I’m not even ovulating. …but I’m fortunate enough that I get to have another ultrasound tomorrow morning. Woo-fricken-hoo. 

I’ve had to text my doctor the results yesterday, and today so that he could determine when we’d be scheduling the IUI. His response today was “ok, do the test tomorrow too, and I will see you in the morning!” REALLY? Another one? Pleaseeeee make the negative results stop. At this point I’m praying that I just ovulate that month. Forget getting pregnant, can I just get a mature egg to release?! I mean it’s not like I’m asking for a Herculean undertaking, but clearly I am. 

When we first started this journey, I jokingly said we are going to be the people that go through all of this poking, prodding, and everything else and never end up with a baby. Who says that? Me. Why would I say that? Because, well why plan on something happening when it hasn’t happened on its own in YEARS. A doctor is going to write some magical prescription, scan my uterus, and “fertilize” me…and poof, baby? Hahaha. Clearly you aren’t well acquainted with my body. I am firmly starting to believe that my uterus looks like this: 

Barren. Inhospitable. Desolate. Bleak. Arid. Unwelcoming. 


I have never ever in my life been more upset or disappointed with my own body. I know what you are thinking, “you are being ludicrous!” No, I am not. The definition of female is, “of or denoting the sex that can bear offspring or produce eggs, distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova) that can bear fertilized by male gametes.” 
Go ahead and read that again. 
I can do half of that. HALF! But apparently this month, none of it. My body can NOT do what it is supposed to do, and so far, it isn’t even doing what it should be doing after medical intervention. This is and has always been one of the biggest struggles for me. My own body is refusing to do the ONE thing it SHOULD be doing. Females are designed to be able to procreate, but not me. The fact that I know people who haven’t used protection ONCE and have gotten pregnant makes me want to literally pull my nails out. …and maybe theirs as well. Every month for the last, I will call it 36 months (because it’s not like there is a star on the calendar for when we actively started trying,) my body has failed me. 


How does one remain positive, ok let me tone that down; “how does one remain neutral,” after YEARS of constantly failing on a MONTHLY basis? 

F Stands For…

Fuck it. Not a flippant one, an anger driven and emotionally charged fuck it.

Sunday morning of a long holiday weekend should be delightful. Put on your sad pants people, it’s not delightful. 

  1. Did my OPK (I know cut the acronym game out already- ovulation predictor kit) and it detected “no surge.” Fancy fucking way of saying you are NOT ovulating. 
  2. Open my Facebook app…SURPRISE! There’s a pregnancy announcement. 
  3. Scroll down…my friend (not really, but someone I went to college with,) is pregnant with her 700th baby (not really but I’ve lost count,) took a selfie in the middle of the night while she was eating icecream and complaining about how “uncomfortable she is.”

You think POAS (peeing on a stick) and getting “not pregnant” is bad…trust me it is 5 millions time worse when you POAS and you find out you aren’t even ovulating! So now my body isn’t even doing what it is supposed to be doing. Can’t wait to do another one of those tests tomorrow. 

———————————-

Brace yourselves. I’m about to go on an epic rant. Expletives will be used. Lots and lots of expletives.

I fucking hate every single minute of this “journey.” Let’s call it what it really is, a shitshow. On a journey you get to travel somewhere. We can’t even do that! Seriously, we can’t go away for a decent amount of time. Between the countless doctors appointments, having to order pills and start them on exact days of my cycle, the various times where bloodwork is needed on the fly, having a “collection” dropped off, and getting injections overnighted, the ONLY time we can go away would be when I have my period. Fuck that! Nothing like already feeling like a marshmallow and then having your period too, “let me go throw on my bikini” said no woman ever. Someone said that we should do a quick Caribbean vacation to relax. Really, do you live under a damn rock? Two words: zika virus. If you don’t know what it is look it up on Google. WHY does my body not do what it’s supposed to do, like ovulate when it’s “charted” to be ovulating. I hate the unknown and feeling like a yo-yo on a daily basis. And last but definitely not least, I am SO over the transvaginal ultrasounds, enough already. Know why I really hate all of this? Because everyone keeps telling me keep your eyes on the end of all of this. Which is such a load of bullshit. 

What if four months from now (the notion of going through this four months from now makes me want to crawl out of my skin,) I decide that I (me, solely me,) can not handle another fucking minute of this insanity and that I’m DONE. Where’s the baby? There isn’t one. 

What if we will never be able to have a baby? Seriously, though. Let’s think about that. Really…think about it, because I know people that have done treatments for YEARS and still don’t have a child. Where’s their baby? There isn’t one.

What if I decide that I really don’t have it in me to adopt? Because the more I think about it, the more close minded I am to the idea, but I’m countlessly reminded that’s also an option. (One with a $30-$45k price tag) Where’s the baby when I say I don’t want to adopt? There isn’t one.

The real bitch about infertility is there is NO guarantee about a baby. There’s a hopeful promise. Which shouldn’t even be a promise because it’s not a guarantee. Any other time you’re shelling out thousands of dollars you GET something; whether it be a car, a house, a new handbag, a pet, or whatever else, you have a tangible item. The only guarantees in infertility until you “maybe have a baby” are misery, heartache, discomfort, empty bank accounts, and an unparalleled anger towards everything. 

So fuck you infertility…
…fuck you pregnancy announcements.

…fuck you who “accidentally” got pregnant.

…fuck the upcoming baby showers. 

…fuck you to my body which can’t do anything right. 

…fuck you to those that “struggled for a few months” to get pregnant.

…fuck you to those that are going on vacation. 
…fuck.it.all…

Cha-Ching

The word “payor” is in our file, with a big ✔️ mark next to it. It sounds so exciting, doesn’t it? Almost like when your elementary teacher handed back your worksheet and there were stickers on the top of it with a big red check. A check mark is usually a good thing: check minus- not good, check- good, check plus- great! So a check, therefore means we are good!! Except when it does NOT mean that. There are no star stickers on the top of our papers, not even one of those cute puppy stickers. Or the silly smiley faces that my teachers always had for our spelling tests. Stay with me here…

Infertility isn’t a fun experience, but thank goodness for health insurance! We told the doctor what our insurance was, and he said, “ok, we will figure it out. (We meaning the ladies that work in the office.) Why don’t you just call to see what they cover?” Of course, once we were back at home, I logged into my account online and started looking for the breakdown of coverage. There was nothing. Not a single mention of fertility or infertility. Zip. Zilch. Nada. The website of course had a disclaimer saying that not all services were listed, and to call for further inquiries. So I call. 

I explained why I was calling, and that I was trying to determine what my insurance would cover. I was then informed “there’s no coverage on this plan.”

Nothing. 

Zip. 

Zilch. 

Nada. 

….whatttttttttt?!? Then I had to know if the other plan that was offered through my employer had the coverage. Again, no. “Ok, if the appointments aren’t covered, my prescription benefits will cover the medicine and injections and anything else. Correct?” After being transferred to the “prescription benefits” person, I was told “unfortunately, there’s no coverage for prescriptions for fertility treatments” …WHATTTTTTTTT?!? 

Here’s a fun fact though, and please make sure you’re sitting for this. Should I ever decide to have my boobs done (yes, boob job…breast augmentation sounds so clinical!) a tummy tuck, or a face lift, drum roll please…my insurance covers it!! So they’ll cover pumping me full of chemicals and insert implants, but not cover or assist us in trying to have a child. Insert perplexed face, some expletives, and a BIG glass of wine. Not tonight, when this all happened I had a large glass of wine. Maybe 2. 


Mind you, prior to making this call, our doctor had already given us a “rough breakdown” of costs, should we not have any coverage. He was sure we would have some, but was quick to remind us that should we not, this process gets expensive. Fast. Very expensive, and at an accelerated speed. I had done research and knew costs, but I was just reading them. I didn’t think we would have to deal with the cost, between $1,000-$10,000, depending on what option we wanted to try. Let me clarify, that is $1,000-$10,000 PER treatment. 


Disregard the chicken scratch. Those are the rough prices. We went with the top line. Less sticker shock if you will, and a pretty significant increase in the chance of getting pregnant. So we went with Clomid – HCG – IUI. 

Grand total: $1,996.45           Eeeeeeeep 😳

Back to that ✔️…we are the payors. Which in the infertility world is not a good thing. The costs are on us. There are no shiny sparkly stickers.Our Doctor only takes credit cards or…CASH! The check mark is the scarlet letter in our file. (Hawthorne anyone?)

We’ve now started round 2…same things, Clomid – HCG – and IUI. Here’s to another $2,000, no, $3.55 less than an even $2,000.