Gunning Towards The Finish

I’m not sure whether these qualify as treats, but they definitely count as tricks:


This morning I had another UltraBlood combination. Pending what the doctor saw and my levels, there was a chance tonight this evening could be THE TRIGGER shot night. A nurse usually calls between 1-3pm with my update instructions, so I was anxiously awaiting the trill of my phone. Once it started ringing, it didn’t even get through the first full ring, anxious nerves had me all jumbled up. I am happy to report, that this evening, I DO NOT have to inject the Menopur, the Gonal F, or the Cetrotide. 
I am doing my trigger shot! Promptly at 8pm as the nurse instructed three times. We were originally going be using the Lupron, but that was changed today. I should have asked why, but I was just relieved to hear we are finally moving forward. I’ve previously used the Ovidrel for my trigger shot, so I’m not worried about that. I am relieved (for the time being) that there is only this one last injection to give. 
…and THURSDAY is my egg retrieval. Ahhhhhh!!! The excitement, jitters, anticipation, nerves, and anxiety are all over the place. This is a very good thing as I am so uncomfortable it isn’t even funny. I can’t imagine having more follicles than what I have. My clothes don’t fit, I’m bloated all throughout my abdominal region, and the pressure is so uncomfortable. 
However, despite all of the above, I am trying to stay relaxed, focused on the specifics, and being calm. Easier said than done for me, but I’m making a valiant effort.

DeflatedĀ 


Sums up how I feel about today. This post won’t be inspiring, positive, or uplifting. Please feel free to closer your browser at anytime. 

Had another UltraBlood combination this morning. Good takeaway, I was able to get blood done prior to my ultrasound as there was no wait and my doctors office hadn’t opened yet. Bad takeaway, it was a different ultrasound tech. Not that it was bad, but I feel like I should start charging a viewing fee for the office staff. At least I could recoup some money. 

Clockwise from upper left hand picture: Bandage from bloodwork this morning; updated injection tracker, which I also have in an Excel format but keep a hand written copy too; my daily update sheet; and my needle marks from my bloodwork. 
The call this afternoon from the doctors office went like this: “you have no mature follicles but your hormone levels are starting to rise which is a good thing. Same injection dose tonight and Thursday evening, and then 6am ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday.” My immediate reaction: “fuckkkkkkk.” 
Today, I’m over it. I’m annoyed. I’m aggravated. I’m deflated. Injections were fun and exciting (not really, but I made myself believe it,) and now I hate them. I want mature follicles. I’m sick of having blood drawn. Having an appointment at 6am on a Friday is NOT my ideal way to start the day. I’m tired. I want a baby.
…because of those four little words…I do not have a damn choice in the matter. I’ll keep stabbing myself with injections and having blood sucked out every other day. I’ll keep smiling when others announce they’re expecting and go home and cry because it’s just too much for me to handle. The whole state will probably examine me or get to do a transvaginal ultrasound on me before I ever end up pregnant. I’ll go on some prolific tirade when I read about some woman who has abused or abandoned her child, of course it’ll be her 4th or 5th. My weight will continue to be like a seesaw as medications are altered and the different side effects take their toll. The proverbial chess match of “us vs. infertility”will wage on, and we will constantly be chased around in fear. And…what if we never have a child? What does this “journey” get called if it fails, a tortuous experiment? Life shattering misery? Sheer hell? I can predict that there are no positive outcomes from going through this, and not having a child at the end. 

For those of you that have been going through years of treatments, I bow down to you. Truly, I’m impressed with your strength and determination. I can’t do this for years. Better yet, I won’t. When I say I would go off the deep end, that is a statement made with 175% positivity. I’m not even a year into treatments and I want to be done. Horrible, but this is where I am today. 
Life with infertility has knocked me flat on my ass today. 

Aerial Perspective


So there’s that perspective: the aerial view. Tonight, again, my injection was at 112.5. Tomorrow I go again for another UltraBlood combination! 

So now for side effects, I have none…except for one!!! Ha. Yesterday and today there were fleeting…twinges? Flutters? Twists? Contractions? (Oh goodness, bad word choice.) These aren’t cramps, not at all; I know what those are and what those feel like! In all seriousness though, I could feel THINGS. Things that were MOVING. It was weird. It is bizarre. We can chalk this up as some follicular growth! 

Gonal F Aggravation

I am superwoman. I have no problem stabbing myself with a needle and injecting things into my abdomen. Obviously, this must mean there is something incredibly wrong with me. Who has no problem jabbing a needle into their own body? Me! 
Here’s what my problem is. I am using the Gonal F preloaded pens, with the disposable needle tips. Every night I have struggled immensely with attaching that damn needle. All I’m supposed to do is tear off the cover, and screw the “pen” in counterclockwise. IT DOESN’T WORK. I was swearing for 15minutes solely out of frustration, and broke the first needle tip before it was even on the “pen.” I finally got the second needle attached, but it wasn’t even straight. It wasn’t crooked though, if we are to use a 90 degree right angle for reference, the needle was at 88 degrees. At that point I didn’t care, and in it went! Does anyone else struggle with getting these needles on the pen? Am I the only one that thinks they don’t just “screw in” counterclockwise? This should certainly be the easy part…but it’s baffling to me that I struggle so much with attaching this!!
Here’s a closeup of the second “crooked” needle: 


Niceeeeee! Also, I’m “fatter” on my left side as I felt this injection less! Haha. You wouldn’t expect to make it through a blog post of mine without some type of self dorictainf comment, now would you? For side effects…

  • No bruising!
  • No headaches!
  • Slight tingling radiating under where the injectionswere given. 
  • No bloating! 
  • No nausea! 

I know I’m only on my second day, but given the headaches I had when I took the Clomid, I’d rather the injections than that little white pill. 

Tomorrow, we INJECT!!

Haven’t blogged in a few days, but that is because there wasn’t much to say. Well, that’s not entirely the truth, so let’s get you all caught up! 

Monday we went for our STD/HIV testing. Overall nothing earth shattering…the lab tech was a bitch. The lab was supposed to open at 7am, which was when our appointments were scheduled for, but she didn’t get there until 7:15ish. She then allowed the 3 other people who didn’t have appointments to go first, despite DH and I waiting, in addition to another person who had a 7:05am appointment. Here’s a notion, if it’s your first day back from a week long vacation, maybe you should show up early. Just a casual suggestion. Anyway, my blood wasn’t drawn until 7:50am. She complained the entire time, basically threw the urine sample cup at me, and I could feel the needle being reinserted in my vein EVERYTIME she changed the vial. There were 4 of those changes. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Worst part was watching DH have his done, she definitely seemed to be doing more of an exploratory blood draw on him, and at one point he turned green. She’s lucky he didn’t throw up on her. 

My period started Monday, so tomorrow is day 3…and that means INJECTIONS!!! But before that, I have to have my Q&A phone call with the nurse about my Gonal-F injections. Wednesday night is shot time. I will be doing 5 days (Wednesday through Sunday) of 112.5iu. I have no anxiety about giving myself these. Which is interesting because the first time I had to give myself the HCG injection, I was anxiety ridden all day. Tomorrow, I’m thinking the nerves will stay at bay, but I’m sure at some point I’ll have a freak out moment. Probably when I have to attach the needle tip! Eeeeeeep. Just some casual Tuesday night reading…

Things I won’t be looking forward to: the bloating! I’ve heard and have read nightmare stories about this. Has anyone had any interesting side effects while taking their medications? Suggestions about the injections themselves? I secretly ove having my own little stash of alcoholic swabs. It makes me feel like a nurse…which was what I wanted to be when I was younger…but that’s another story! 

Here’s to being on the road again to the amusement park. The big bright colored rollercoaster of infertility treatments is looming in the distance, and we’re almost in the parking lot getting ready to pay our entry fees. 

Old Faithful

So today is Clomid round 3, day three. It’s Thursday, and of course that has me feeling much better about the day. This morning at work I went for my morning coffee walk, the sun was shining and it was going to be a great day! Although the day was moving at turtle speed, we are one day away from the weekend and no Clomid side effects! #winning

Wrong.

Exactly in the middle of a two hour meeting, there it was; it couldn’t leave me alone and let me enjoy not expericing side effects. My head was pulsating. It felt like a bass drum was inserted in my skull. 


When your skull feels as though someone is smashing it repeatedly from the inside, you want to crawl in a hole and smother yourself with anything to nullify the pain.   I could tell from the onset, this was going to be a nasty mother… I popped some pain relievers, crossed my fingers, and sat there fists clenched and head throbbing. After lunch it hadn’t gotten better, the pain had only amplified and I felt as though my head was being crushed. As someone who gets migraines,  this pain today was unparalleled. Minutes ticked by and by the end of the day, I was on the brink of tears. 

My drive home was excruciating. Finally, after what seemed like the never ending commute, I was walking through the door. I started sobbing. 


My.head.hurt.so.badly. 

I immediately changed into some comfy clothes, down two ibuprofen, chugged a glass of iced tea, and crawled into bed hoping that throughout the previous actions I’d knock myself out cold so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain. I mean who wouldn’t run into their REs office and beg for Clomid after reading about this?! As I lay in bed with tears streaming down my cheeks, and in an intense amount of pain my only thought was “get through the night.” 
About 4 hours later, as I sit here in front of the tv, I am feeling like a different person. While I’ve knocked the headache out completely, I am exhausted. I told my DH It felt like someone had sucked the life out of me. Let’s talk about irony. I feel as though I’ve been drained of all life due to this medication, and I am taking this medication in hopes of carrying a life. How’s that for a brain teaser? These headaches have become my ‘old faithful’ throughout this experience. 

Knowing my Clomid headaches are back, tomorrow I’m sure will result in another doozy.