Good News. Bad news. Good news. Bad news. 

Let’s play a game today! Kind of like “he loves me…he loves me not…he loves me” but we will call this “good news…bad news…good news.” Easy enough to follow along. 

Good news: today is Monday, trust me there’s enough bad news coming where this sounds like it is over qualified for good news.

Bad news: I had an ultrasound this morning. This my dearest readers is where I spend most of my time these days, on my back, feet up: 

Good news: I have a FDMF (fertility drug migraine friends,) buddy! Basically, we are only 1 CD (cycle day) apart, we both get bad headaches/migraines with our meds, and we get “news” that is eerily similar. Even in this shittastic world of infertility, it’s nice to have a buddy! 

Bad news: I have ONE follicle. 

Good news: There were NO MORE baby mugs shots on the wall. The picture has been rescued in sized, color edited, and stickers placed over the two baby mugs. I know it sounds harsh, but I despise having to walk past this everytime I go into an exam room.

Bad news: The one follicle is barely measuring at 11. 

Bad news: The other follicles are “too small for any chance of significant growth” he informed me. 

Bad news: “The follicle should be bigger then it is currently measuring. Strange.” said my doctor. 

Bad news: I’ll be going back for another ultrasound Thursday or Friday. 

Bad news: The day before the ultrasound I will have bloodwork done, based on those results, I might not even have to have the ultrasound! 

Bad news: My doctor kindly shared his opinion: he thinks this round has failed as well. Interestingly enough, the first round when I actually had the IUI one follicle was at 11, and then grew pretty quickly. Since then though, we’ve had nothing but shrinking follicles. 

Did you notice I ran out of good news? Me too. If you’re ever looking for that, reading this blog won’t help you! I mean the track record isn’t exactly favorable. Today from 7am on was long. Aggravating. Annoying. Exasperating. This couldn’t be more accurate as to how I felt around 12:30pm today:

Now…we wait. 

Just sit and wait…and wait…and wait. 

Maybe I should hose myself down with some Miracle Grow as my follicles barely grow 1mm/day, and ideally it (that one lonely follicle,) needs to be at least at 16mm. 


Old Faithful

So today is Clomid round 3, day three. It’s Thursday, and of course that has me feeling much better about the day. This morning at work I went for my morning coffee walk, the sun was shining and it was going to be a great day! Although the day was moving at turtle speed, we are one day away from the weekend and no Clomid side effects! #winning


Exactly in the middle of a two hour meeting, there it was; it couldn’t leave me alone and let me enjoy not expericing side effects. My head was pulsating. It felt like a bass drum was inserted in my skull. 

When your skull feels as though someone is smashing it repeatedly from the inside, you want to crawl in a hole and smother yourself with anything to nullify the pain.   I could tell from the onset, this was going to be a nasty mother… I popped some pain relievers, crossed my fingers, and sat there fists clenched and head throbbing. After lunch it hadn’t gotten better, the pain had only amplified and I felt as though my head was being crushed. As someone who gets migraines,  this pain today was unparalleled. Minutes ticked by and by the end of the day, I was on the brink of tears. 

My drive home was excruciating. Finally, after what seemed like the never ending commute, I was walking through the door. I started sobbing. 

I immediately changed into some comfy clothes, down two ibuprofen, chugged a glass of iced tea, and crawled into bed hoping that throughout the previous actions I’d knock myself out cold so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain. I mean who wouldn’t run into their REs office and beg for Clomid after reading about this?! As I lay in bed with tears streaming down my cheeks, and in an intense amount of pain my only thought was “get through the night.” 
About 4 hours later, as I sit here in front of the tv, I am feeling like a different person. While I’ve knocked the headache out completely, I am exhausted. I told my DH It felt like someone had sucked the life out of me. Let’s talk about irony. I feel as though I’ve been drained of all life due to this medication, and I am taking this medication in hopes of carrying a life. How’s that for a brain teaser? These headaches have become my ‘old faithful’ throughout this experience. 

Knowing my Clomid headaches are back, tomorrow I’m sure will result in another doozy. 

Clomid, Round 3, Day 2

No headaches.

No nausea. 

Hip hip hooray for tiny miracles. I know it’s only been just over 36 hours, but by this point in the prior months, that headache has been there. Dull. Annoying. Endless. I will call this pleasant surprise, or maybe it’s just the fact that my body has now adjusted to taking this every month. 

Other than that I supposedly don’t have much else to report or say tonight. With that being said I would love to hear what all of you do to cope with your bad days and what you do to celebrate your good days! 

Day 4 Ultrasound 

Well well well, here we are again. Friday I received the monthly bulletin: “YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. ENJOY THE NEXT 5-7 DAYS.” So I sat by the pool all weekend long, drank lots of Corona, and had a blast with my DH. Friday I had texted my doctor letting him know it was day 1 of my cycle, and after a few other messages were exchanged, he got back to me letting me know I had an ultrasound Monday, today, at 7:30am. I wish I could say that this was exciting news, but having done this twice now, I already KNEW that at some point on Monday, I’d be reunited with the stirrups. 

The ultrasound showed no cysts, which is good, and means we can move forward with the Clomid. My favorite little white pills start getting popped tomorrow morning. I can not WAIT for the 5 day headache!!! Ha. Ha. Ha. Anyway, today my doctor wanted everyone to know if I had any “serious side effects from previously taking the Clomid.” What is considered serious? No, I wasn’t an emotional lunatic, I wasn’t violently ill, but I had a headache that was untouchable, and midsection inflation to the point where I felt like I was going to pop.  But, no I guess I didn’t have any serious side effects. 

There was some new decor in the office, a 4’x 4′ magnetic board proudly displaying pictures of babies! Said board is in the hallway on the way to ALL of the exam rooms, so you can’t miss it. 

I don’t like it. 

Not at all. 

Not a little bit. 

I don’t even think it’s in the least bit optimistic. It’s another reminder that we are there because we don’t have a chubby half naked baby grinning ear to ear. It’s another red flag saying, “hey! You’ve failed at this for two months WITH medical help!” Am I happy that our doctor has had successes? YES! But I do NOT want to see the success of others, especially while I am in the process of trying to have my own. Once we have our own success, I’ll be more than happy to let him toss up a picture of my baby. But until then, my blinders are on. I will walk with my head down, a blindfold on, or with my back towards the baby wall; I don’t want to see more pictures being added.

So in less than 12 hours, round three commences. 

Although my hope remains tempered, I know that I have the courage to go through another round even though the odds aren’t favorable. However, because courage is something I admire most in others, here are a few quotes for all of you lovely ladies and gents smiling through the pain, battling the odds, and fighting month after month to have your babies.