Lost.

I have days where everything, and I truly mean everything seems to be amazing. Tons of laughter, hilarious times with friends…EVERYTHING is picture perfect. 

Then I realize I don’t have a child to come home to. That there’s no babysitter at home to check in with or pay. I’m not planning a nursery. There are no hopes as to a baby shower. My sister in law (married for just {barely} over a year,) is due any day now. 
I WANT TO SCREAM. 

The last half hour, I’ve been sitting in a chair in the den sobbing uncontrollably. I just gave myself one kick ass manicure, and the tears started falling like Niagra Falls. Why do I have to go through this bullshit?! Teenagers get “knocked up” all the time, and I can’t even have a baby if I tried. 

Over the past 4-5 days I’ve realized I am not happy with my doctor. That’s an understatement. I’m in shocked. I’m offended. I’m furious. While I’ve always appreciated his direct approach, his vernacular leaves light years of improvement to be worked on. Also, as we pay out of pocket for everything, getting an email Friday that we owed $860 sent me over the edge. I will not even be taken into an exam room unless payment is made upon checking into my appointment. That isn’t a joke. We aren’t paying ourselves to get us pregnant, we are paying HIM. He’s barely had one successful attempt and at the last appointment blamed it on my body being “bizarre.” After lots of contemplation, and discussions with DH, that does NOT work for me. I will not tolerate being told my body is bizarre when he’s been monitoring day after day with blood tests  and ultrasounds. I have enough shit to deal with and his laxidazical approach has exceeded my level of patience. 

Please don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t expecting that after 4 months we’d be pregnant, if you’ve read any prior posts you’ve tuned into that notion. It’s been as clear as crystal, and as right as rain. However, I’m no longer going to be spoken to like I am some twit who can’t make decisions for herself, or who doesn’t have a say because she nods her head and agrees with doctors orders. You may have countless degrees, but I pay YOU. Not to be a dick, not to be condescending, not to deliver false promises month after month. Here’s what I have to say to your promises: 

 So I’m (we are,) done. We are moving to a clinic that is exceptionally successful in IVF. We will have a team of doctors. Not one who said I’d be receiving a call this past Tuesday to schedule a consultation about IVF; 6 days later and my phone still hasn’t rung jackass. I’m fed up with feeling that I am the bother every time I call there. 
I’m (we are) moving on. 
And to quote my recent obsession Fifth Harmony: 

“I’m breaking down, gonna start from scratch

Shake it off like an Etch-A-Sketch

My lips are saying goodbye

My eyes are finally dry…

My innocence is wearing thin

But my heart is growing strong

So call me, call me, call me

Miss movin’ on, oh oh oh” 

Miss movin’ on, oh oh oh, yeah