That’s not a word. It’s the noise I make in my head after a long day, a frustrating day, or on one of those days where I just don’t want to say much of anything…or when I’m full of ramblings. 

Lucky you, today is one of those days. 

I will ramble because yesterday was hard. Mentally, I would say that it was  almost crushing. There was a baby shower yesterday that I didn’t go to, but was firmly cemented in my mind, and it was Children’s Day. Thank you, Facebook for that fun fact, it’s one that I absolutely could have lived with out. There are some days where things go unbelievably well, and I have a wonderful day, like Saturday; which is followed by a day where I wish I could just scream all day long. Pause for a good sob session, and then start screaming again. 

YES…we want to have a baby.
YES…we are trying to have a baby.

YES…we want a family, preferably of 4, but 3 is proving to be challenging enough. 
Given that we’ve literally done nothing this month, because of incorrect timing, I feel like a sitting duck. We just wait, and wait, and wait for my period to come and then the roller coaster starts again. I never would have anticipated feeling helpless even when there’s nothing I am supposed to be doing. Truly, where’s the rationale there? 
Yes, I loved my spontaneous day away Saturday with my mom, and I know that when we have a child, I won’t always be able to pick up and take off for the day. I do know, that when we have a child, I will go out of my way to plan those days with my mom so that we can bring the baby/child along with us. Most people will think that I’m crazy, but I want my child to spend time with us, seeing what we love to do, and being part of those special days. 

There is no certainty in any of this. There don’t seem to be any answers. There is not a definitive amount of time that we will have to endure the medical treatments.

 It’s all a big fat “what if” followed by “When?” 

All I want is certainty. I want an absolute. I do not ever want to sit down and participate in that conversation in the above image. I want a yes or no answer to my question, “will I have a child?” Because if the answer is no, I’d rather figure out a way to start wrapping my head around that now, and not prolonging the inevitable crushing disappointment. Should the answer be a definitive yes, I will keep fastening that safety belt across my lap, and pulling the overhead harness down to ride that roller coaster. 


5 thoughts on “Humph. 

  1. The difficult but beautiful thing about life is no one will ever no whether it’s eventually a yes or no unless we live through it to find out. Buckle up for that ride, I think regardless of what’s the outcome, I know you will be glad that you know you tried the hardest


    • Challenging week for me to stay optimistic. Lots of constants reminders on a daily basis that we don’t have a child. And “you should, having a baby is easy!” Said someone the other day in casual conversation. If only they knew…


      • I think people who can conceive easy will find it hard to understand. I hope you are surrounded by a group of people who are more intuitive towards what you need. You can vent all your emotions by writing and I think the online support can be very helpful through it all. It’s ok to feel down go ahead and feel exactly what you are feeling. You own it. I find it helps me to heal and recollect my feelings after. All the best!


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