Hopeless

The title sums up this weekend and how I’m feeling. I present the less than glamorous side of infertility. Struggling. Putting on a happy face and going through the motions because…well, that’s what one does in this nightmare. 


Yesterday took the OPK, and it was negative. That was miserable to process. I mean I had figured that at least this (ovulate) I can do! Not only do, but can succeed at! Dumbest thought ever. Per my doctors instructions, I had to take another OPK this morning. Fine, no big deal…until I was instantly able to tell that this stick was showing a negative result. So, we are into our second month and were hoping to do the same thing as last month (Clomid, HCG, and IUI) but now I’m not even ovulating. …but I’m fortunate enough that I get to have another ultrasound tomorrow morning. Woo-fricken-hoo. 

I’ve had to text my doctor the results yesterday, and today so that he could determine when we’d be scheduling the IUI. His response today was “ok, do the test tomorrow too, and I will see you in the morning!” REALLY? Another one? Pleaseeeee make the negative results stop. At this point I’m praying that I just ovulate that month. Forget getting pregnant, can I just get a mature egg to release?! I mean it’s not like I’m asking for a Herculean undertaking, but clearly I am. 

When we first started this journey, I jokingly said we are going to be the people that go through all of this poking, prodding, and everything else and never end up with a baby. Who says that? Me. Why would I say that? Because, well why plan on something happening when it hasn’t happened on its own in YEARS. A doctor is going to write some magical prescription, scan my uterus, and “fertilize” me…and poof, baby? Hahaha. Clearly you aren’t well acquainted with my body. I am firmly starting to believe that my uterus looks like this: 

Barren. Inhospitable. Desolate. Bleak. Arid. Unwelcoming. 


I have never ever in my life been more upset or disappointed with my own body. I know what you are thinking, “you are being ludicrous!” No, I am not. The definition of female is, “of or denoting the sex that can bear offspring or produce eggs, distinguished biologically by the production of gametes (ova) that can bear fertilized by male gametes.” 
Go ahead and read that again. 
I can do half of that. HALF! But apparently this month, none of it. My body can NOT do what it is supposed to do, and so far, it isn’t even doing what it should be doing after medical intervention. This is and has always been one of the biggest struggles for me. My own body is refusing to do the ONE thing it SHOULD be doing. Females are designed to be able to procreate, but not me. The fact that I know people who haven’t used protection ONCE and have gotten pregnant makes me want to literally pull my nails out. …and maybe theirs as well. Every month for the last, I will call it 36 months (because it’s not like there is a star on the calendar for when we actively started trying,) my body has failed me. 


How does one remain positive, ok let me tone that down; “how does one remain neutral,” after YEARS of constantly failing on a MONTHLY basis? 

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4 thoughts on “Hopeless

  1. I have so much empathy for your feelings of hopelessness. It is totally normal to feel that way! I constantly feel like I’m not a “real woman” and get so frustrated that I can’t do things that crack addicts and reckless high schoolers can do without even thinking about it.

    BUT, you are still SO EARLY in this process. I know that’s not helpful and might even make things worse (thinking about potentially years and thousands of dollars of treatments), but it’s true. A few rounds of Clomid, as frustrating and stressful as it is, is just the tip of the iceberg.

    Standing on the other side (LOTS of treatment, no baby), I’ll just you it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

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    • Hi Stephanie, thank you for your comment. Although we are early in the process, we already know there are “x” amount of months left for the IUI route and that we only have “x” amount of chances with IVF due to financial reasons. That was discussed upfront because our insurance covers none of this, not even the Clomid; every single appointment, test, ultrasound, and dose of medication is out of pocket for us. (My HSG wasn’t even covered through my OB/GYNs office.) In this very short time we’ve already spent thousands of dollars. While this can be a marathon, our 26.2 miles was immediately reduced, prior to us even approaching the starting line or having any actual treatments being done. That is the reality of it for us. A full round of the IUI runs between $1,500-$2,000 and the IVF price tag is MINIMUM $12,000 at our doctors office.

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      • TOTALLY get it! My comment was not meant to be glib or critical at all. I so admire those of you who share your stories publicly- it brings me some small measure of comfort to know that there are others who understand the pain I feel (although I wish none of us had to go through any of this).

        My husband and I are also 100% out of pocket and I have cried over it many times. I read one very popular blogger who has done 6 rounds of IVF and is now doing DEIVF. While I admire her and her thoughtfulness and optimism, I am so jealous that insurance has covered everything for her. If we had that safety net, this process would be so much easier. On top of the stress of medical treatment itself (and all the other emotions around family, friends, marriage), the financial stress is one of the worst parts for me.

        We’ve done one IVF cycle and it ran us about $11,000. We had no embryos to freeze. Right now we are planning a second cycle in August, with a different (more expensive) medication protocol. That will be it for us.

        We did 6 IUIs before this (back when we thought it was mostly sperm issues, not realizing we’d have egg quality issues) and a bevvy of other tests. Each IUI itself is about $400 at our clinic, plus about $600-800 on meds, and then about $200 per ultrasound. (I do get some bloodwork covered due to a relationship between the lab and our clinic).

        I hate false hope and I hate when people don’t take my situation seriously. I actually just got off a call with my husband and a clinic in a neighboring state regarding a second opinion and in closing the doctor told us to relax and that miracles happen– maybe we’d get pregnant naturally before trying IVF again. He said he was joking, but I wanted to reach through the phone and smack him.

        So, I am not telling you your pain isn’t real and that your situation isn’t serious. But there are options to try, as sucky and awful as they are.

        Thanks so much for writing. I wish you all the best and look forward to following your journey.

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      • You didn’t come off glib or at all critical 🙂

        I completely agree that the added financial stress that comes along with this, for those that don’t have insurance coverage, is probably the hardest thing to deal with. It’s almost like insurance companies get to pick who has a baby and who doesn’t. It completely baffles me to think how things work (or don’t!) in this country. So many people have told me the stress is bad, and while we are fully aware of that, none of the people telling me to “not stress out” aren’t offering to foot the bill for any of this.

        I use this blog as my “self counseling” sessions. I put it all out there, and feel a million times better once it’s in words. Sometimes reading back I’ve thought “I couldn’t whine anymore,” “your life isn’t THAT bad,” amongst others. But in those moments when I’m typing, I KNOW there is someone else out there who could be thinking the same thoughts while under the impression she’s alone.

        I’ll keep you in my thoughts…I truly with you and your husband all the best.

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